briana blackwelder

i don't know where to start.
my heart has weights.
attached so securely that i wonder if i'll ever
ever
feel uplifted from this.

sorrow isn't a normal place for me.
depression isn't a place a i frequent.
but i can't.seem.to.leave.

but at the same time i'm
so grateful.
for photographs done well
for the blessing of talent from a loving god
for a friend that held the promise of many shared memories.

i'm crying. i do every time i think of her.
being busy from sunday-wednesday was really good
for me.
i couldn't crumble.
i had to perform.
finish pictures, check.
respond to emails, check.
give to family, help with film-making, book making, program making, check.
bring frames.
bring more frames.
figure out a display.
kick myself for not printing it bigger.
keep kicking myself.


what i cannot forgive, and i know it doesn't matter
in the scheme of the impact she had, or the friendship that
was budding after her wonderful presence at E's birth....
is that an opportunity to see her,
just one last time,
was something that i said no to
to put my family first.
it was a crazy morning. the SLC marathon was in full-swing.
we were headed there... but oh the traffic.
and i was embarrassed that we'd be so late.
and i knew T didn't really want to go.
it was his first saturday off in so long.
and we missed him, me and the kids.
and i didn't fight for her.
didn't insist that we go and support her.
and so, i said it was ok.
and i didn't see her.

that feels wretched.

but more than that, its this,
from that night.

as soon as the day was over, and i went online to do a few things
she wrote me. immediately.
she reached out to me. yet again. ever giving.
i felt it now and i felt it then.
i let her down. she never would say so, of course.
but she noticed.

she so very much deserved my support.
she gave and gave and gave to me....
to help sort my issues with E's birth. to help me see the beauty.
and i partook.
i can't think of another well that fit in this weird space of
confidant, caregiver yet not a regular social life staple
that has run as deep as hers, for me, in this and so many other ways.
and so these weights are staying their course.
don't tell me it doesn't matter in the scheme of things,
i know.
it doesn't change the hurt,
the regret, and the deep sadness.
this isn't a hurt i need comforted. its a hurt i need to say,
that needs to stay until it fades.
aren't those the ones we learn from the most?

----------------

i want to write about the positive.

i had the privilege of photographing Briana.
Not only in the studio, but on a day with her
and Cathy. Visiting mamas, watching them work
so seamlessly together.
i was gifted long car rides.
and sweet laughter.
i go to bask in their connection
as friends, caregivers, saints.

Cathy believed in me.
in my ability to create real portraits.
she had me photograph briana
(two birds with one stone. she was part of the MATTER project, obviously).

i am indebted to her.
i have long said, i want to create images that show someone, truly,
who a person is.
i take a long-look approach. i want these images
to speak
20 years from now.
i want them to be the beautiful things held onto by grandchildren.
momentos, heirlooms.
pieces of someone past that shows
her beauty. her spirit.
her true self.

though as artists, we strive to be successful,
i never knew it would hurt so much.
to know i had nailed it.
completed my desire.
even in her passing, she gave, again.

i'm truly speechless.
there are memories.
wonderful ones.
of visits, and honesty
of cakes, soup, comparisons.

but underneath it all,
i miss her.
i will miss running into her
at the park
at the market.
i will miss her ability to
truly embrace a person.
to uplift with her touch.


"Believer in ferns" as they said
"Agent of creation" as they said
an original, a standard, a sentinel of worthy things.
that is what i'm saying.