briana blackwelder

i don't know where to start.
my heart has weights.
attached so securely that i wonder if i'll ever
ever
feel uplifted from this.

sorrow isn't a normal place for me.
depression isn't a place a i frequent.
but i can't.seem.to.leave.

but at the same time i'm
so grateful.
for photographs done well
for the blessing of talent from a loving god
for a friend that held the promise of many shared memories.

i'm crying. i do every time i think of her.
being busy from sunday-wednesday was really good
for me.
i couldn't crumble.
i had to perform.
finish pictures, check.
respond to emails, check.
give to family, help with film-making, book making, program making, check.
bring frames.
bring more frames.
figure out a display.
kick myself for not printing it bigger.
keep kicking myself.


what i cannot forgive, and i know it doesn't matter
in the scheme of the impact she had, or the friendship that
was budding after her wonderful presence at E's birth....
is that an opportunity to see her,
just one last time,
was something that i said no to
to put my family first.
it was a crazy morning. the SLC marathon was in full-swing.
we were headed there... but oh the traffic.
and i was embarrassed that we'd be so late.
and i knew T didn't really want to go.
it was his first saturday off in so long.
and we missed him, me and the kids.
and i didn't fight for her.
didn't insist that we go and support her.
and so, i said it was ok.
and i didn't see her.

that feels wretched.

but more than that, its this,
from that night.

as soon as the day was over, and i went online to do a few things
she wrote me. immediately.
she reached out to me. yet again. ever giving.
i felt it now and i felt it then.
i let her down. she never would say so, of course.
but she noticed.

she so very much deserved my support.
she gave and gave and gave to me....
to help sort my issues with E's birth. to help me see the beauty.
and i partook.
i can't think of another well that fit in this weird space of
confidant, caregiver yet not a regular social life staple
that has run as deep as hers, for me, in this and so many other ways.
and so these weights are staying their course.
don't tell me it doesn't matter in the scheme of things,
i know.
it doesn't change the hurt,
the regret, and the deep sadness.
this isn't a hurt i need comforted. its a hurt i need to say,
that needs to stay until it fades.
aren't those the ones we learn from the most?

----------------

i want to write about the positive.

i had the privilege of photographing Briana.
Not only in the studio, but on a day with her
and Cathy. Visiting mamas, watching them work
so seamlessly together.
i was gifted long car rides.
and sweet laughter.
i go to bask in their connection
as friends, caregivers, saints.

Cathy believed in me.
in my ability to create real portraits.
she had me photograph briana
(two birds with one stone. she was part of the MATTER project, obviously).

i am indebted to her.
i have long said, i want to create images that show someone, truly,
who a person is.
i take a long-look approach. i want these images
to speak
20 years from now.
i want them to be the beautiful things held onto by grandchildren.
momentos, heirlooms.
pieces of someone past that shows
her beauty. her spirit.
her true self.

though as artists, we strive to be successful,
i never knew it would hurt so much.
to know i had nailed it.
completed my desire.
even in her passing, she gave, again.

i'm truly speechless.
there are memories.
wonderful ones.
of visits, and honesty
of cakes, soup, comparisons.

but underneath it all,
i miss her.
i will miss running into her
at the park
at the market.
i will miss her ability to
truly embrace a person.
to uplift with her touch.


"Believer in ferns" as they said
"Agent of creation" as they said
an original, a standard, a sentinel of worthy things.
that is what i'm saying.

day booking it: reflecting

back in the day, i went on a photo trip to goblin valley. i have some good memories. i knew that landscapes weren't for me, then, just like i know it now. especially since there was a professional guy there with like 12 cameras set up in different parts of the park, and he spent the whole time running around checking if any of us were in his shots, and then asking us, awkwardly, if we'd move. he was visiting from japan, if i remember correctly.

what i like about this picture is that it was the first instance where i really paid attention to the light that is STILL there after the sun goes down. I also learned for the first time about the spatial properties of wide-angle lenses. I wish there was more of this, traveling with other photographers and creating real images, regardless of if that type of photography is our cup of tea or not.

Day Booking It. Success

(Can I first say that I debating about putting up this post? I think it is a worthwhile topic, but I know from reading a few pages from Predictably Irrational that after reading that book I may have more to say about success. But I think it warrants discussion now, even if I change my views later. I'm glad for the ability to change one's mind. )

Let's talk for a minute about success. At what point do you consider yourself successful? I think for most of us, as people, we equate success with monetary gain and financial stability/status. I think our culture feeds this notion. However, talking lately about Vivian Maier, a unknown photographer who only posthumously has gained notoriety, the question came up about whether being "known" is a requirement for being a successful artist. Some of this depends on your own personal considerations.

I love the dictionary, so in pondering this, I decided to check out what Webster's had to say. Here is what I found:

Under this primary definition (#1), I don't ever want to be successful as an artist. Success in the art world is not terminating attempts. Growth is continual and sought.

Under the secondary (#2), it is more vague. What type of position? What honors? WHAT is the like?

Here are my attempts at making this clear.

Wealth

Money money money, right? Well, prosperity, worth, and substance are all synonyms. If you work has substance, are you successful? Who determines the worth? (you? them? general populace?) And how do you define prosperity? The most important thing about this one, I think, is that we need to debunk our connection to money for success. I think this is the reason SO many people (women especially) jump into having a business with photography before they are ready. They want validation. And the green kind is the only validation of value that they see (maybe?).

Position

If you're in the spot where you see beauty in the every day and desire to document it, I think you've attained a position others covet. You've got the eye. You see beauty.
If you're in the place where you can previsualize and apply the technical to get the result you crave, you're in a good position.
If you're at the level where you can explain things to others, or tell what you admire in a piece by another artist, you're in a good position.
If you're in the place where you want 5 million followers on your blog and 100 comments on everything you ever create because then you'll know that doing art is worth it, I don't covet your position. Just sayin'.

Honors

Do you have any formal education in your field? (do you want it?)
Have you won any awards? (have you tried? do you want to?)
Have you been in any shows? (do you want to?)
Do you honor your work and see its value?

The Like

This seems like a catchall for comparisons. Its synonymous with equivalent. So, reader, what do you consider to be "the like" in your life? At what point do you look around and say to yourself? I like where I am? The view is astounding? The colors are rich, the light is beautiful and I can lose myself in this beautiful place?

Looking at Maier's work changed some things for me. The honors I crave (and oh, how I do crave them. I admit it) are being in gallery shows. I think my work is viewed best PRINTED and framed. It does best with a physical presence, and I want to create things that are worthy of it, worthy of taking up space in this big world that is full of so many things. I'm less stressed out about creating since viewing her work.

See, I played the piano and flute since I was little, like under 10 years old. And I always felt like piano was just for me. I didn't enjoy performing (still don't). But I LOVE the piano. I love to play, I love to learn new things and I love to benefit from listening to the talent of others. So, for me, its not a stretch that someone could be just as happy with art, creating for personal pleasure. Art without strings has the ability to cut through all the anxiety that is created with sharing something so personal. Having personal things in one's art, things that aren't shared (maybe until later or even ever) can be extremely beneficial.

what is large format?

Let me preface: This is a geeky post. It is all about technical stuff. If you're another photographer, you probably already know this about me, my geeky technical side. This is probably because I HAVE to be with film and large format. If you're really gonna use this stuff, you need to KNOW how. Also, I am in no way an expert and I am sure there are landscape photographers who could run circles around me with large format, but since I use it my way, here is my view.

Let's start with some technical and some history. Photography started out big. In the digital age, where all those consumer (and most professional) level digitals are based on 35mm size equipment (its lightweight, so versatile!), and are easy to take about with you on adventures. In the early days of photo, larger formats were the norm. Civil war soldiers had tintypes (that's a photograph on a piece of tin) created for their families. Timothy O'Sullivan and Matthew Brady were photographing the Civil War with larger formats than 35mm (almost 100% it was after a battle, bc trying to do a wet plate process with shots flying... oy.)

35mm wasn't available then. Photography was not a consumer enterprise.

Fastforward, to Ansel Adams and F.64. The use of larger formats became a thing of fine art. It was phased out of the family type work because smaller, more manageable cameras (with rolled film) became available.

Large format is a designation about the size of the negative (or digital plate in some cases). Film sheets (not rolls) that are 4 inches by 5 inches or larger are considered large format. There are different types of cameras that take this size of film. For example, there are field cameras. These type of large format camera close up in a box, travel easier than other types of large format, and are used predominantly in landscape photography. However, the film plane can be fixed like in 35mm and medium format-- it cannot be manipulated. The focal plane (or front standard) can be adjusted up, down and tilted on its axis.

Another type of large format camera is a monorail system. The downside is that it doesn't travel up mountains too well, and its heavier in general, but the upsides, to me, are endless. Yup, you read correctly. There's no end to the upsides of a monorail. For example:

Focal plane and film plane can be manipulated. The focal plane controls the.... focus. (smartie if you got that!) the film plane controls the perspective. So you can fully manipulate your focus points AND your perspective.

WHY does that matter, right?

Well, when you can manipulate your perspective, you can make things appear different than they are in real life. E.G.: you can be standing to the right of a mirror, but make it look like you're in front of it, you can adjust for vanishing points in architecture, possibilities are limitless.

When you manipulate your focal plane you can make one thing in focus on a plane but not the entire plane. For example, you can have just the hands, or just the eyes..... the possibilities... you know where I'm going with this.

Last thoughts:

--I never photograph without plane manipulation. No offense, Ansel, its just not my style. I don't do landscapes, so the sharpness afforded by f.64 isn't necessary for me.

--The technical understanding and application of the zone system (google it) is not optional with large format. If you don't know it, using this format (or honestly, any camera at all) you'll just getting a BIG negative. No redeeming quality for just being big.

thanks for reading this LONG and technical post.

Day Booking it.

A photographer who has had influence on me has these daybooks he kept. You may have heard talk of them before. Well, I'm realizing, through lots of impressions, that it is time already for me to get this stuff out and in some form of lasting. it's time to write about why i started photographing, why i continue, the things i learn, the problems i solve, all of it.

A Study on Captured Pain and Its Mercurial Nature

This is going to be an all text post, but I'll tell you now, its the one I've thought the most about, and contains things which have affected me the most as a photographer. Its what I would tell you if you knew me well.

A Question:
Are tears of disappointment beautiful?

The most common answer here is no. Witnessing anguish, pain, fear, disappointment... seeing these things make us uncomfortable. In some ways we find them as a society to be unacceptable in the general forum of human interaction. THIS IS A FALLACY. The entire spectrum of human existence and experience and all its emotional ins and outs is worth witnessing and relishing. I am not advocating the nauseating level of sharing that occurs via twitter and facebook, and sometimes even blogs, but I AM advocating the applause for human strength when it is shown so powerfully through images.

The entire spectrum of emotion, and its fullness of depth (and height), the weight of it, is worth considering. Smiles and met expectations are what we pursue, but what of the failed attempts and unrealized goals? Isn't the search, in itself, worth a look? What about the surrender, and acceptance, of the path that must be taken, even if it wasn't what you had in mind?

These things CAN be beautiful in their own right when we change our paradigm of beauty. Its not the flawless, commercial view of life. LIFE IS BIGGER than the limits imposed by flawless advertising. We've somehow become so divorced from the laudable glory of real life that people seem to baulk at the sharing of REAL LIFE, choosing instead the fluff that is of no consequence. This needs to change.

Let me tell you about three images by photographers I respect and admire:

The first is by Sebastiao Salgado. It is a photograph of a boy in Rwanda, after the massive genocide the country endured. The boy is lit from above, and he is falling onto his knees as his hand is raised. His mouth is open in a cry, a sob, and the reality of these events is translated to the viewer so clearly and undeniably that many people weep with him upon seeing the image. Many more turn away or avoid the photograph all together when it is displayed in galleries of his work. His captured pain is at once, moving (and therefore a kind of beautiful).

The second is by Ami Vitale. It is, again, a portrait of a child. In Kosovo, during the conflict there, she captured the pain of a boy who is holding the framed portrait of his father, who has been killed. Though he is sitting with other children, and many adults are standing around him, his blue, tear-filled eyes strike the viewer. The reality of shared and uninhibited emotion is undeniable.

Both of these images make me weep every time I see them and give me goosebumps to describe. They have never left me.

A third image has entered my mind's eye never to leave. It is by Kiera Haddock. A woman this time, strongly, shows COMPLETE emotion. Its during a birth, one of the most marginalized events in female experience.

We are told-- you should feel no pain. Somehow this has translated into ALL female existence. Women are buttoned up in so very many ways. However, I'm so grateful to this woman for showing it. For letting it be documented. Especially documented by a REAL photographer who could capture it. For showing the pain and the redemption and the strength of being honest in one's emotions, the disappointment and its dissapation in the face of a new life. The strength of the "weaker" sex could not have been more clearly stated.

THE REASON THESE IMAGES ARE MOVING AND UNFORGETTABLE IS THAT THEY WERE CAPTURED COMPLETELY. There are two parts to the equation of trueness and the "darker" side of emotion. Firstly, when you have someone who photographs regularly and well, someone who SEES images instead of merely clicking a shutter, the capturing of a scene is composed, analyzed and removed of excess. When this person chooses the settings on the camera, these compositional elements are kept in mind. The emotion deserves the RESPECT of having it captured well. The composition, lighting, ALL things the photographer considers, are aids to conveying the worth of the emotion and experience.

When pain is captured well, it gives the viewer something to aspire to. We aspire to prevent genocide and war in the name of religion. However, with birth, the aspiration isn't to prevent, but to BECOME. Only respect, admiration, and the recognition of the strength of women are the responses to this last image.

Seek something out. Find your own examples of FULL human existence. They must be found amidst the fodder. Anything of worth must be.

(p.s. i left out the images intentionally. You may email me at alisha@alishastamper.com if you really just can't take not seeing them)