running running running

so very many things plopping around in my head.
sadly, the best description of this is that there is a bottleneck of my status updates... that's sad. life in terms of status updates.
for example:
do other parents have a systematic approach to their children's physical activities? Like, this spring we'll do t-ball, soccer in the summer, basketball in the fall?
--Being able to walk into a store and purchase jeans in my pre-pregnant size felt great yesterday. this is the fastest i've bounced back.
--I am a curmudgeon-y old lady who actually expects my cashier to address me... other than saying just the total and hereyougo when handing me my receipt. i even want the cashier next to her to not be leaning on the card tower and me awkwardly having to scootchy scoot closer until she realized she needed to move.
--I love walking around with lil Fern wrapped onto me. buying a ring sling from la leche league of salt lake city was such a great thing to do 3 hours before i had Fern. I literally get asked at least 2x every time I'm out how I like using the sling and whether or not i'm worried while wearing it... will she fall out, will i bump hard into her.... no to both of those, by the way.
--i want to photograph, i don't want to photograph. i have a unique vision, i have nothing to say, and over and over and over.
--i'm completely in love with marta's write club posts. They're from awhile back and I still gravitate to them when i think to myself, i sure would like to be a better writer.
--have you read downburst yet?
--i made quite the mistake last week when i ordered some film. but it has created an interesting challenge that i am looking forward to solving. having a challenge is pulling me out of a rut. does that happen for you?

thoughts-- i love i hate

i love that i'm dotting i's and crossing t's/ i love that i feel purposeful and productive, but also willing to listen to the piece of my heart that is telling me to nurture and embrace the calm space before this baby arrives/i hate that birth is so scary to our culture that just by being behind me in line today, two women spent 15 minutes discussing birth horror stories/ i just finished an enlightening book and reviewed it. I so very much would love to discuss it with you/ i'm finishing up my "to-read" list for 2012/ i realized lists make me accomplish so much more/i finished up the newbery winners very early in the month and am working on my final big review/ i love the new look of our master bedroom after revamping, decluttering and switcheroo-ing/ i love that i'm at the any day stage for my baby and that i just can't wait/ i love that after listening to those harpies about birth i had the unique and beautiful opportunity to be a witness to the beauty and empowerment of birth to someone who didn't know anyone who had birthed naturally or successfully breastfed/ with epidural statistics of what, 97% and abysmal breastfeeding rates, i'm not surprised/ i love birth/ i love its messy, glorious value as an experience emotionally/ i learn so much every time about myself/ i love that i got to hear an amazing talk this past sunday that i am still thinking about/ i love that i got to give a talk the week before that was a joy to prepare/ i love learning new things and teaching them to others/dec 30th at abravanel, they are doing a concert called video games live/ final fantasy has some beautiful music so i bet this concert will be breathtaking/ go for me to tell me all about it?/ i heard one of the soprano airs from messiah today and i got a little teary. it was christmas for a large part of my young life performing it for years and oh i miss it so much/ i love that i got speakers for my ipod for 6 bucks and they are great and perfect for birth/ i love that oreos are completely ok right now/ i love that i've had recent interactions with someone who thinks i'm slightly silly/ i need to not be taken seriously sometimes so that i can up the ante and BE silly/ i love that we're not arguing about names/ i love that yesterday all i wanted was jennifer lopez movies-- proof positive that i am pregnant enough that i can have this baby now-- too tired to even think for my media consumption. bwa haha/ i love that i could have an impromptu night with a girlfriend and go about during the holidays running errands, shopping and laughing/ have decided this must happen yearly/ right now i'm listening to mindy gledhill for the first time/first song still playing/ i already want her christmas cd/ bad.

that's all.

happy holidays!

post lazy

i don't know why. i've been photographing loads. i think the summer did me in. so much work. so many deadlines. tired.

but i'll do some soon.... like after saturday. i promise.

for now, i'm running to the lab to turn in more film.

our life is a little topsy turvy and i'm just holding on... not holding breath... but just holding on. reading stories to my children, making meals, planning things, looking toward the future.

see you after the weekend.

i like

friends that come over for me to do this:

but spend most of their time doing this:

Seriously. Christopher was a friend in college, but we've only become closer since and Todd and I both consider him a worthwhile friend of our family. W & E adore him. He has a good heart. So grateful for him.

Avenues Street Fair

I know this isn't the first time this has happened, but it IS the first time it was someone new to me. Got this sweet photo in an email that said:

"Thanks again for my portrait.     

        I get a little camera shy & you have 

                     a knack for making people feel comfortable 

and downright awesome!"

Not only did this email totally make my day, but it reminded me of what a great experience I had creating that picture of her. I really love creating images, and it is a privilege to have everything align so beautifully on the fly. The market is pretty fast-paced, but I still get to really study the people I have met, even if it is only for five minutes or so. 

Saturday was a raving success to me. I met no less than five people who enthusiastically responded to my desire to photograph them for personal work. woot. AND most of the people were silly, fun and genuinely happy and laid back. It made things light and happy for me. LOVED.

whilst I edit.

check out this lovely I had in the studio. She was fun. And made me think people are not crazy for photographing fashion.

its funny, actually.

You may not have seen it on facebook, so here's a little announcement: I'm pregnant. 



I've started a longish list about status updates I would've put up if I had already officially announced my pregnancy. Here are some of them. They started literally the night I found out.



How am I going to lay on the floor with my laptop once my belly gets bigger? (and with this being #3, that will happen at 17 wks) * I was wrong on my estimate. No more laying on the floor started just this week.



Can I call my belly the Dome of Exhaustion?



How do I have more followers on pinterest than here on my blog? Seriously.



Milk smells like seafood. And that's nasty.



I'm touched out.



did I seriously just go buy nachos at 10:45 at night after seeing a Man vs. Food episode featuring nachos?



Why am I so tired? wait.....



Making choices is really hard sometimes. And I literally dissolve into a whiney puddle at Todd.



Being nauseous when vertical but not when horizontal is annoying.



i'd like to be able to do my dishes. seriously.



why did I buy cashews when I really wanted honey roasted peanuts?



maybe a brady bunch episode just got me teary... maybe....

(in my defense, it was about these people who adopt three boys (two are minorities), and they are defending them.. and it made me think about Todd and his awesome parents who adopted three boys who are asian, and how it was the same time period. And there could have been people who were callous and rude about it, it was just a wave of emotion of how grateful I am to them for what they did for him, how much they love him. What an amazing man he is.)



--



Anyway, I'm excited, T's excited, the kids are excited. We found out just hours before we found out about Briana moving from this life. We had the ultrasound last week and everything is right as rain. We'll be ringing in the ho-hum days of january with a new baby. Some of you may have already known this if you have visited my booth at the market. Its pretty obvious. :)

words they mean nothing

Inside/a heart of summer soul/don't let them/take it away
Cause inside/something solid gold/don't let them/throw it away
Follow/your own path from here/so don't listen/to what they say
Cause here comes/something wonderful/so don't let them/throw it away

Words by The Doves

Lately For the last year I've been thinking a lot about being authentic not only in my art, but in my life. Being expressive, and having my expression be what I want, and what I seek to put out in the world, is linked eternally to how I am doing in my personal realm. There are a whole lot of factors in our personal lives, no? How we view ourselves as artists, and even just as people, has such an effect on the vibe we send out to others. How we're doing on our own goals of betterment, within our relationships, all of that affects our expression, not just in the arts, but I think in our communication as a whole.

With all of these percolating thoughts, I've been thinking about the vibes I put out there. Sometimes, like everyone else, my vibes are dichotomies. Isn't that just the rub?

So I've been simplifying my life, making my output of energy into the things that really matter (I know my poor husband might not agree, but I think I'm making strides in the simplification department! Learning to say "No" has been so calming.) I've realized that I know what I want my vibe to be. And it was somewhat surprising at first, but makes more sense every day.

This is my vibe. My single word. The description of me that I want to be most prevalent: SMART. I realized that I don't really care, in the long term, if people even know I photograph. Doesn't make sense, right? I know whether people care or not, I'll keep doing it. On saturday I photographed my sister, her husband and baby and I realized, I have literally been photographing her for 15 years. Even did the math to make sure I'm right about that. 15 freakin' years. And I know that in 15 more years, I still will be photographing her, finding truth in expression through her image and what I'm able to clearly express when I'm with her. Our mutual lineage from our self-educating, passionate and empowered mother, is a recipe for taking hold of our communities and influencing them for good. So glad I have a partner in this. (well, four partners. all of my sisters are legit and rad).

What I offer the world is usually not photography. Its a part, and I love it, and the thought I put into it definitely has my full attention and effort when I'm creating, but there are so many other things I do, and am involved in, and learn, that have an affect on my creative expression. And ultimately, the bulk of who I am, a self-educating, book-reading, wordsmith of a woman, has nothing to do with photography.

Realizing this has made creating easier and more enjoyable.

What's your one word?

my life. really.

...not really the fancy party all the time, but definitely the genuine laughs with a real friend, taken by a talented friend, that is so very much my life. Full of happiness.

peacock

somewhere in my dreams, there is a garden with a gate like this-- bronzey/wrought iron depictions of animals. The beauty of nature being so overwhelming that it commemorated in the things used to enter it--- gates, doors, stones. Maybe its because of the countless times I watched A Little Princess and The Secret Garden... but I think I am searching, sometimes, for the places where literature comes alive. I know they are there. Heaven knows Michael Kenna has found them. People write what they know, they try to pin down beauty in their art. I want to see more gardens. Real ones. Rococo-style and Versailles style. The moors and India. All of it. I need more green.

leaving

a couple things:

i left this morning on a massive 3 week trip 

going to nyc first

then philly for a minute

then penn laird for a while,

then DC to celebrate and party

then raleigh to relax and enjoy

then auburn to laugh and play the day away.

its a big trip.

i took my twin lens and my ricoh.

i bough a summery dress (fabric pattern above).

see ya, weirdo spring of utah. 

i'll be spending may gallavantly in the fresh green of the east.

when i get back, its full steam ahead to prepare for the downtown farmer's market.

did I mention I got in? that there were 246 applicants for 100 spots? 

I DIDN'T?

Well, here's notice. I'm going to be there. A few saturdays.

and I'm stoked. It will be so nice

to spend the day there.

to meet new people (and potential models for my personal work).

I'll be announcing the set dates and all that, but for now,

enjoy your may. take some pictures. read some books. write something.

28 things and something to enter

Today is my birthday. years ago, a random stranger gave me some hit and run criticism about needing to "up" my self-esteem and people skills. He said I needed to write down 50 things I liked about myself. ( I then spent the next 30 minutes at the store thinking of all the things I liked about myself in relation to him--did I mention he was a checker at our local grocer who wears crazy hats a la six flags? I know this was not exactly a nice moment for me. Did I mention he told me he's a life coach as a precursor to his unsolicited advice? yeah.)

Maybe its just my hubris talking, but I think I have too much of one, and am amazing at the other, of the things he said I needed to boost, respectively. But I think there is something worthy of keeping a nice list of things about yourself. I know that I have never written one before (barring any memories I am missing from my formative years at girls camp, etc). So here's 28.

01. i am a good friend
02. i am a good sister
03. i am a good wife
04. i am a great mom
05. i enjoy my calling at church
06. i love to read
07. i am involved in my community
08. i am a champion of women and want to help empower
09. i like long walks
10. i like to cook
11. i enjoy having people over, especially for meals
12. i forgive
13. i am a good storyteller
14. i connect people
15. i am righteously indignant when necessary
16. i am honest
17. i am realistic
18. i dream
19. i am welcoming
20. i can sing and love to
21. i like to teach others
22. i like to sew
23. i plan
24. i am grateful
25. i take a nice picture
26. i like to give credit where credit is due
27. i pursue continual education
28. i am well-spoken

I intentionally left out appearance things. Not only are we more than just our outer frames, but I think when women list what they like about their bodies, it inevitably makes other women criticize themselves.  I don't like that and don't want to have that effect. I'll just say that I am a positive realist about my body.

Now, HERE'S where this gets interesting:

A friend recently did a post of sending others handmade things. I have seen others do it also. I think I try to be in the closet about creating things if it isn't photography-- at least online. I'm not completely myself here in the niche I've created. I think part of it is that I don't want to be perceived as a jack of all trades and master of none. Because I think I am really good at doing large format portraits. And I don't want to be another person with a blog of every little thought.

But I do make things, and cook things, and try to beautify my life and have that enrich the lives of the people I love.

SO, dear reader. Leave me a comment about something you like about you. Make sure you leave a way for me to contact you if you're not sure I can. I'll pick five randomly and send you something worthwhile. You have the whole weekend. (ending monday 8am)

demonstrated

Camera.

complete with shutter release and viewfinder (that is really long).

we were photographing tomatoes.

my new best friend

Meet Mami. (Said  Ma Mi, like mommy with a spanish accent)
She's been a occupant of my top left closet corner for awhile now.
(Talk about embarrassing that she's been so poorly treated).
I tried photographing with her a couple of times, but then she started getting stuck
on the sixth exposure of every roll I shot. And its not like you can just
push a button on the bottom and wind it back on a 120 roll like you can
with a 35mm camera.

So I took her to be serviced.
And they cleaned her up. And I was so excited. And I hauled her 45 minutes walking to go photograph with her.
And we get to exposure Six and what do you know... she's jammed.
SO bummed.
So I took her back. And they looked at her again.
We were reunited on friday.
And all day today I've been photographing with her.
Past exposure Six.
I'll be excited to share images later this week.

Something I love about this set up is that I have this accessory that I can use for easier holding. It has a shutter release button on the handle so its user friendly. Something I don't love about it, is that scratch you can see on my table that it causes (click image to enlarge). I want to only take this camera and one 35mm when we go on our massive, 3 week east coast up and down trip in May, but with kids I need to get used to operating this baby and composing with her.

Just thought I'd share what's going on with me. What's going on with you?

thankful

Yesterday I received this card in the mail. Maybe its from my best friend in HS living far away, but I am so hooked on written-word love. The tangibleness of notes and letters is lasting. Yesterday was a good day for friendship love. Both about myself as a woman, as one who seeks truth, as a believer, as an artist, as a mom and as a friend. I was buoyed and enriched all day long. I went to bed grateful, and breathing deep from the well of true friends that I have in my life. I'm beyond lucky. I saw a post from another blogger awhile back (don't remember who, but it hasn't left me) and she wrote about the necessity of being your biggest fan (without getting a big head). I like the idea. Self-esteem is talked about all the time, but how many people have it without becoming heady?

something's wrong

this picture greeted me while I was checking my studio schedule. The caption was to the effect of "Fergie decided to go with a kid-friendly dress made of legos for the Kid's Choice Awards."

um.
What part of this outfit is kid-friendly?

the iPad

Is anyone else annoyed by this on the Apple website? Your old iPad. I swear, the first time I actually saw someone with one was only last summer.

Let's be real-- I still have my circa 2005 iPod. And I use it ALLLL the time.

I think its great to donate to schools. I respect Teach for America. But the "old" factor, and the "spend your money on the newest and shiniest" instead of making things work or making due. So not a fan.

Less is more. For example.

Tru Talent Agency

Read this.

I had a good laugh about this today. When Wallace was  about one, Todd saw an ad in the paper for a cutest baby contest. He called and set up an appointment. We went in. We waited in the lobby next to the winners of the worst B.O. contest in the world.

When we were called in, the guy's office was ridiculous. The framed pictures on the wall were tear-outs from magazines of famous people the company does not represent (some of them obvious dated, we're talking 80s and early 90s) and his glass desk was dirty. It looked so incredibly unprofessional. The guy would not stop talking and literally railed on and on about how awesome they are (for a solid hour). He also made this big speech about them wanting to protect the children from parents who see them as cash cows. It was baffling listening to this guy. (I did mention the B.O. guys in the lobby and his explanation was that they had to accept all types to succeed in business. How true considering their deceit!)

Finally he gets to the point and drops the money bomb. "You pay us $2k for a lifetime portfolio by our professional photographer, yada yada.... is that something you're interested in?" And my response, which I will say I am so very proud of to this day:

That is definitely not something I am the least bit interested in.

ZING! I could tell he was caught off guard. He asked why, and I explained to him that I am a photographer, and that I KNOW it is not standard industry practice for a company to expect the person they are representing to pay money. The company is supposed to take a percentage of the earnings of the model. He poo'poohed that, and said he guessed that some people might do it that way.

Fast forward to 6 months later--
I get approached in the grocery store by two girls. They are coming up the aisle towards me, so they are facing the back of Wallace's head. Before they even see his face they start telling me how adorable he is and that one of them is an assistant at Tru Talent and they'd love to do a test shoot, yada yada. I was so annoyed. I told them I was too busy raising my child to engage with riffraff. Especially considering Wallace has a birthmark on the back of his head that wouldn't make a model scout look at him from behind and think, "this kid has potential."

Fast forward another month-- same grocery store-- I saw them coming from a million miles away-- two guys, one girl, dressed like they belong on the streets of NY (and not in a good way). They didn't even get the first word in this time. I knew she was coming towards me so I just said,

"What do you want? Do you want to tell me my kid should model?"

It was hilarious. She was so taken aback.

She stammered, "Yes."
I said something like, don't try to scheme me or something like that..... and she haughtily responded that I was missing a great opportunity for my child and that I should just take their interest as a compliment. Later on in the store I heard them in the next aisle talking to another mom. She was translating what they had said to the family with her (mother and grandmother). I was so angry because I knew they had duped her and she was ALL for it. So I went over, told her that her kid WAS beautiful and precious and that I had overheard the conversation and I knew that those people were trying to scam her. I told her to protect herself and not spend any money.

I was so angry for this mom, and for myself, for being harassed and schemed at in the grocery store that I went upstairs to the customer service desk and reported them. I got to watch security haul them out of the store. So worth the hassle.

I am so happy their horrible business practices are coming to light. They are LAME.

oh japan

its heart-wrenching. (these are containers, like you'd see on a freighter.) Sometimes with tragedy, I pull away from the world. I refuse to watch. I honestly can't take it. That is kinda what is happening with me and Japan. Its not that I don't care (oh, so very much on the contrary). It is that I need to not crumble. I can't watch the news during the day with my two little ones. W has so many questions about the whole world. But we pray. And he added to our prayer tonight, "please bless japan. they had an earthquake there." And I know that He knows. I know that He is there. Calming. Buoying up relief workers. I am grateful for eternity.

have you heard?

of Carolyn Hax? She writes a column (now syndicated). Its legit. This drawing is by her husband, who does the illustration for each column. I was going through some files, cleaning up the drives and such, and I found this. A screen shot from 2005, before I met my husband. And I laughed, because I know who it was that made me laugh.