the may shelf

still plugging away on those newbery winners over here. Thankfully, May is a short stack.

briana blackwelder

i don't know where to start.
my heart has weights.
attached so securely that i wonder if i'll ever
ever
feel uplifted from this.

sorrow isn't a normal place for me.
depression isn't a place a i frequent.
but i can't.seem.to.leave.

but at the same time i'm
so grateful.
for photographs done well
for the blessing of talent from a loving god
for a friend that held the promise of many shared memories.

i'm crying. i do every time i think of her.
being busy from sunday-wednesday was really good
for me.
i couldn't crumble.
i had to perform.
finish pictures, check.
respond to emails, check.
give to family, help with film-making, book making, program making, check.
bring frames.
bring more frames.
figure out a display.
kick myself for not printing it bigger.
keep kicking myself.


what i cannot forgive, and i know it doesn't matter
in the scheme of the impact she had, or the friendship that
was budding after her wonderful presence at E's birth....
is that an opportunity to see her,
just one last time,
was something that i said no to
to put my family first.
it was a crazy morning. the SLC marathon was in full-swing.
we were headed there... but oh the traffic.
and i was embarrassed that we'd be so late.
and i knew T didn't really want to go.
it was his first saturday off in so long.
and we missed him, me and the kids.
and i didn't fight for her.
didn't insist that we go and support her.
and so, i said it was ok.
and i didn't see her.

that feels wretched.

but more than that, its this,
from that night.

as soon as the day was over, and i went online to do a few things
she wrote me. immediately.
she reached out to me. yet again. ever giving.
i felt it now and i felt it then.
i let her down. she never would say so, of course.
but she noticed.

she so very much deserved my support.
she gave and gave and gave to me....
to help sort my issues with E's birth. to help me see the beauty.
and i partook.
i can't think of another well that fit in this weird space of
confidant, caregiver yet not a regular social life staple
that has run as deep as hers, for me, in this and so many other ways.
and so these weights are staying their course.
don't tell me it doesn't matter in the scheme of things,
i know.
it doesn't change the hurt,
the regret, and the deep sadness.
this isn't a hurt i need comforted. its a hurt i need to say,
that needs to stay until it fades.
aren't those the ones we learn from the most?

----------------

i want to write about the positive.

i had the privilege of photographing Briana.
Not only in the studio, but on a day with her
and Cathy. Visiting mamas, watching them work
so seamlessly together.
i was gifted long car rides.
and sweet laughter.
i go to bask in their connection
as friends, caregivers, saints.

Cathy believed in me.
in my ability to create real portraits.
she had me photograph briana
(two birds with one stone. she was part of the MATTER project, obviously).

i am indebted to her.
i have long said, i want to create images that show someone, truly,
who a person is.
i take a long-look approach. i want these images
to speak
20 years from now.
i want them to be the beautiful things held onto by grandchildren.
momentos, heirlooms.
pieces of someone past that shows
her beauty. her spirit.
her true self.

though as artists, we strive to be successful,
i never knew it would hurt so much.
to know i had nailed it.
completed my desire.
even in her passing, she gave, again.

i'm truly speechless.
there are memories.
wonderful ones.
of visits, and honesty
of cakes, soup, comparisons.

but underneath it all,
i miss her.
i will miss running into her
at the park
at the market.
i will miss her ability to
truly embrace a person.
to uplift with her touch.


"Believer in ferns" as they said
"Agent of creation" as they said
an original, a standard, a sentinel of worthy things.
that is what i'm saying.

Winners

Ok Ladies. Send me you addresses to alisha (at) alishastamper (dot) com and you'll get something lovely.

last chance

scroll down and enter my little handmade pay it forward giveaway.

easter

He is risen.

28 things and something to enter

Today is my birthday. years ago, a random stranger gave me some hit and run criticism about needing to "up" my self-esteem and people skills. He said I needed to write down 50 things I liked about myself. ( I then spent the next 30 minutes at the store thinking of all the things I liked about myself in relation to him--did I mention he was a checker at our local grocer who wears crazy hats a la six flags? I know this was not exactly a nice moment for me. Did I mention he told me he's a life coach as a precursor to his unsolicited advice? yeah.)

Maybe its just my hubris talking, but I think I have too much of one, and am amazing at the other, of the things he said I needed to boost, respectively. But I think there is something worthy of keeping a nice list of things about yourself. I know that I have never written one before (barring any memories I am missing from my formative years at girls camp, etc). So here's 28.

01. i am a good friend
02. i am a good sister
03. i am a good wife
04. i am a great mom
05. i enjoy my calling at church
06. i love to read
07. i am involved in my community
08. i am a champion of women and want to help empower
09. i like long walks
10. i like to cook
11. i enjoy having people over, especially for meals
12. i forgive
13. i am a good storyteller
14. i connect people
15. i am righteously indignant when necessary
16. i am honest
17. i am realistic
18. i dream
19. i am welcoming
20. i can sing and love to
21. i like to teach others
22. i like to sew
23. i plan
24. i am grateful
25. i take a nice picture
26. i like to give credit where credit is due
27. i pursue continual education
28. i am well-spoken

I intentionally left out appearance things. Not only are we more than just our outer frames, but I think when women list what they like about their bodies, it inevitably makes other women criticize themselves.  I don't like that and don't want to have that effect. I'll just say that I am a positive realist about my body.

Now, HERE'S where this gets interesting:

A friend recently did a post of sending others handmade things. I have seen others do it also. I think I try to be in the closet about creating things if it isn't photography-- at least online. I'm not completely myself here in the niche I've created. I think part of it is that I don't want to be perceived as a jack of all trades and master of none. Because I think I am really good at doing large format portraits. And I don't want to be another person with a blog of every little thought.

But I do make things, and cook things, and try to beautify my life and have that enrich the lives of the people I love.

SO, dear reader. Leave me a comment about something you like about you. Make sure you leave a way for me to contact you if you're not sure I can. I'll pick five randomly and send you something worthwhile. You have the whole weekend. (ending monday 8am)

dinosaur eggs

Today is a mom day. Where I try my hardest to steer clear of all the rest of the stuff in my life (except during naptime) and just BE a mom. Read stories all day, color, lay on the floor. With our upcoming updownallaround east coast extravaganza trip coming up, I know that I need to get back into funmom mode. Do you do that?

Some of my favorite, inspirational home ladies had a rockin' tutorial for easter that is perfect for hand-ons, BOY fun. It is a great introduction to dyeing eggs... when wee ones are tooooooo little to have the desire for anything other than smashing and dropping eggs.

I think I might try these next.